Call The 1800 Number, Man!
by xXGoody Not-So-Great MeXx
Summary: Three unlikely people...on an online dating site! Did I mention it is a 'blind' dating service? As in like, genders not listed! Oh well, the weird mix ups and awkward converations make for an even more jacked up confrontation! Wammy Boys threesome!
1. Near's Poor Corrupted Mind

Call The 1-800 Number, Man!

Hellllo! My dear good friends of mine! This is my DN fanfic with I guess the most potential at the moment so, I guess you'll have to decide that for yourselves! ^^, anyways, I don't own Death Note obviously and never will. So, without further a do, chapter uno!

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Chapter One: Near's Young Corrupted Mind

Normal Point of View

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To the innocent mind, watching TV is a habit that all genders, races, and ages appeal to. The same facts applied to the albino breed, also known as Near.

As he sat with one knee pulled up to his his chest and the other stretched out, he watched as Matsuda continued to channel surf creating blurs of news reporters to wrestlers and boxers. Growing irritated by the task force member's lack of ethical standing, Near opened up a puzzle box to start connecting the blank jigsaw pieces.

Matsuda, on the other hand, seemed to take in each channel signifigantly and finally stopped on a channel when he heard the words 'dating' and 'easy' coming from the same voice in he same sentence.

It wasn't really the fact that he wanted a girlfriend but, an idea struck him as the volume increased drastically as he pressed the arrow button up to it's maximum which was fairly loud considering it was a huge flat screen plasma TV.

"Hey, Near?! I have a great idea!" The energetic and maybe-weird japanese man stated happily as he turned his body to face Near completely. Who knew Matsuda even _had_ great ideas??? Just the fact of Matsuda screaming he had something actually _working_ in his mind make Near cock his head to the side slightly and look up at Matsuda through his strands of stark white locks.

"Hmm? Please turn down the volume, Matsuda. And, please quit screaming, it is quite unnecessary." Came the mellow yet, aggravated voice of Near as he winced at the sudden loud series of laughing coming from the dating couple on the screen.

Matsuda followed prompt to the orders by pausing the advertisement all together and once again facing the irritated and vaguely questioning twenty-two year old who was on the floor.

"I think..." Matsuda started, trying to make a dramatic pause and then continuing, "You should apply to a dating service!"

-Insert silence and bugged out eyes on Near's part.

-Also insert Matsuda standing on coffee table with his arms spread out wide and a goofy brilliant smile on his face.

"...Why, might I ask?" Came Near's exasperated reply. 'Why' and 'What the hell' and 'Where the shit did this come from' was all that was crossing Near's mind as he completely forgot about the puzzle and looked _almost_ eagerly towards Matsuda who had slumped over at his lack of response from the young genius.

"Because, you've never had a girlfriend, that's why. And, besides that, it'll be fun! You can maybe get away from the station and venture out." Matsuda said, once again estatic at Near's cooperation. But, inwardly, Matsuda was wondering why Near hadn't requested him to leave yet like he _usually_ does when he gets overbearing.

"Wouldn't that require more staying inside if I have to check on posts or...blogs?" Near asked, avoiding the real point of the subject. While trying to match in the correct terms of the internet.

_'Why hadn't I realized that before???'_ he asked himself dumbly before adding a, _'Human contact with a...female?' _He furrowed his eyebrows at the thought. Never once had he really been associated closely with a woman unless it happened to be an agent which was strictly a business relationship.

"Yeah, you'll have to check up and see if anyone wants to talk or chat with you online through the blogs but other than that, the whole purpose of a dating site is to meet people, a soul mate." Matsuda finished off saying sweetly while sighing dreamily. What a soap opera fanatic...

"Yes, I agree. But, what's the reasoning behind all this, Mr. Touta?" Near pressed on, feeling slightly embarrassed and uncomfortable at his lack of knowledge in this particular field.

"Wow, you are really thick headed! And, don't call me that! Just Matsuda...yeah, that's it. Anyways, I'll even dial the number for you!!!" Matsuda sung out racing to find his cell phone hidden somewhere beneath the couch cushions.

Near suddenly began feeling, well, different. It was a feeling he couldn't quite place exactly...maybe, anxious? Timid? Slightly afraid? Questioning himself? A little self-conscious? All of them perhaps...?

_'...These emotions...what are they? I've...never felt this way before.'_ He voiced thoughtfully to himself.

Even after the Kira investigation had ended, he continued to stay in Japan with Matsuda Touta and he other original task force members and solved cases. But, never had this ever come up before. Even when one of the guys talked about their life at home, Near just blocked it out and acted uninterested and gone about doing whatever he was previously.

Near had'nt even begun questioning his personal life beyond what kind of toys or puzzles he wanted let alone a girlfriend or 'settling down' life.

To Near's horror-stricken face, Matsuda had finally fished out his phone and began pressing the buttons that were froze onto the TV screen.

Near gulped nevously as Matsuda clicked the speaker button and the sound of a woman's automated voice began speaking.

_'Hello, welcome to 'Forever Live' your producer in over 10,000 new couples annually. Please click one if you require assistance with details upon our services; two, if you want our 'Forever Live' monthly magazine subscribtions; or three if you would like to be transfered to our neighboring_ 'through-the-_phone' connections.'_ The preppy mechanical voice stated the options while Matsuda pressed the first choice, while Near waited apprehensively.

_'Thank you for choosing this option. 'Forever Live' is....'_ the lady droned on about the establishment and the founders until finally starting to announce the real information needed, _"...visit, . We wish you our luck and with no confrontations after your six-week free trial you will recieve no fee...' _Matsuda snapped the flip phone shut bringing Near out of his attentive listening with the sudden noise.

"Well?! Get your laptop! Times' a wasting!" Matsuda screeched loudly, successly scaring the shit out of Near. But, reluctantly, he did get up and remove the portable computer and walk back over to the couch to begin searching the site and perhaps...get himself a girlfriend?

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Sooo?! Like? Yayyyzzzz! No? Anti yayyzzzzzz! Well, please review and no flames! The fire burns and it hurts! It took me like two hours to conjure this up ya' know! ^^, I'm glad I did write it though. Sorry for any grammar or spelling errors! I'm no human dictionary and I do have many flaws! Once again, subscribe, review, fave, whatevs!


	2. Mello Knows All But Love

Call The 1800 Number, Man!

Yeahzzz and Heyzzzz! Back for chapter Two! I would like to thank EvilWerewolfPirate, Chibi grrrl, and MelonBreadNote for their reviews! And, hugs plus cookies to all who faved and subscribed! I don't own Death Note but this idea I do and I'd like to say I'm proud of it! So, onward to chapter two!

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Chapter Two: Mello Knows All But Love

Normal Point of View

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' I want some damn chocolate...' Thought Mello as he unceremoniously chewed on the end of his rosary for comfort. It had been nearly a complete two days since he had a chocolate bar and the effects were showing. Said effects were the highly irritable, moping, and very emotional being that is Mello.

From across the room, Mello could hear bits of what the other mafia members were saying about him. Their remarks included 'pregnancy tests', his 'time of the month', 'emotional freak', 'transexual cross dresser' and other hateful comments hitting on questioning his gender. What was even worse than that was Mello didn't react by going _Mr._ Temperamental on them.

_'I wonder why he's being so pathetic?'_ Jack Neylon pondered while finally coming to a conclusion slightly different than the other members. His perspective of Mello's depression was...he reached an early midlife crisis!

In his idea, Mello had just noticed how at loss he was without any love life or anything other than his drive to beat Near, which was impossible. Clearly satisfied with his own assumptions and deduction skills, he made his way over to the blonde who was laying on the couch with his face pressed into the cushion, sobbing quietly to himself. Talk about melodramatic...

"Hey, Mello." Kal Snyder (same dude) began, kicking the blonde's feminine arm with his boot then continuing when Mello raised his head, glaring, "I have a solution to your little dilemma."

If Mello was bipolar than this would prove it...from streaming anime tears from loss of chocolate substance to nearly bouncing up and down for joy. But what Mello thought was that one of the mafia members were going to leave the hideout and risk their life to bring him is chocolate bars; how wrong he is...

"I was watching TV and this total hottie was on, see? Well, she was advertising dating services. You know what I mean? Anyways, point is, just because you've reached your midlife crisis a little early doesn't mean you should give up on love, ya'know?" Mello was stunned. How the _hell_ did they reach a conclusion like _that_?! Hadn't the morons noticed the like of candy tablets in his possession lately?! Man, they were such a total loss...

"Umm, okay?! What about it?!" Mello asked hatefully, suddenly feeling prissy and uptight about all the rhetoric questions and lack of sweet treats. Mello was glaring, despising Neylon for even mentioning his love life to him face to face.

"Well, check out the website, create an account, meet some chick-dudes, whatever you're interested in and live a little. I'm sure we'll be able to leave the base soon as the boss man gives you the orders." He detailed, struggling when it came to _who_ Mello was actually interested in.

As the blonde thought about what Snyder was getting at, he noticed he was missing alot in his life. The list started off as girlfriend, chocolate, personal life, chocolate, friends, chocolate, family, chocolate, career, chocolate, and finally resting on...

Mello seemed to be lacking in the friendship department lately, Mello noted. Ever since Matt and him had been put in different positions in the mafia, they hadn't seen each other for about two years now. The twenty-four year old Mello began remininscing over his life back at Wammy's before the sour memories of striving to be number one and always coming in second suddenly popped a fuse in his mind.

_'Why the hell am I always losing?! Near is probably off doing everything high and mighty while I'm stuck here an a god forsaken abandoned warehouse with ten other guys and no chocolate!' _Mello thought snidely, his nose curling in disgust and his face wrenching in that of a grumpy hating-life frown.

_'Why am I just sitting here, waiting for Near to beat me, again?! If he gets a girlfriend before me, then all hope is at loss! This is Near! The antisocial, arrogant, smart, white clad loser that I've had the displeasure to have known ever since I was first in Wammy's! I can't let all the efforts die in vain! I will defeat him!_' Mello preached to himself, igniting a burst of willpower that lit up his blue green eyes as they burned with newfound hope. This also didn't go unnoticed by Snyder either as he searched for a rundown computer amongst the boxes of electronics.

_'This 'outta be interesting...might as well start a bet with the guys over if Mello's really gay or not.'_ Jack Neylon silently proposed to himself, deciding he might as well make some cash off of his idea.

Suddenly coming across an outdated compaq computer, he started pulling the wires and monitor out of the mildew soaked cardboard box to begin assembling the literally 'hunk of junk' machine. This he knew wasn't going to be an easy task within itself but, it was worth some money since he was running low financially.

Back with Mello, he stared intently at the ceiling fan, thinking about ways to possibly persuade someone of the opposite gender without threatening their physical well being. All the way back, he's always gotten his way with threats, physical abuse, and yelling commands to people. Melllo already knew this isn't the case to intimidate to get what you want.

"Guess I'm going to have to play Mr. Seductive and Charming..." The black clad mafia member concluded as he saw small sparks come from the wire outlet when Snyder tried to plug up the prehistoric computer to the wall socket.

_'But...first off, I've got to get the computer working. I wish Matt was here...he was always the techie person.'_

What Mello didn't consider was the fact that maybe his supposed best friend was also striving for love...

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Okay, these first three or four chapters are supposed to be kinda short if that's what you're gonna ask! These are just a little background of how they ended up on a dating service in the first place. So! Review, subscribe, fave, or whatev, m'kay?! I love long reviews so they're always appreciated! And, lastly! Remember to look out for chapter three which has the wonderful Matty in it! Yayyyzzz!


	3. Little Matty In The Middle

Call The 1800 Number, Man!

See?! It's chapter three!!! Aren't you so proud of me?! I know you are so, face it! This is so Waffle Flippin great! Thank yous go to….InnerShadow, Backyard Bottomslash, Aries07, and…EvilWerewolfPirate! You guys rock! XD. So, continue on but I must warn you…I don't own Death Note! XP

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Chapter Three: Little Matty In The Middle

Normal Point of View

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_'Why can't I over-ride this damn system?!' _Matt struggled to keep up with all the assignments the boss gave him, which was to look up several people from the American Federal Agency and get information for blackmailing the US government. How easy did he expect breaking into the system was going to be anyways?

Matt, also known as Mail Jeevas, was the best hacker of all the members in the mafia. He may seem careless, unenthusiastic, layed back, and a complete gamer but, he was also one of the most important assets to the mafia along with Mello.

"This is taking too long!...I need a drag. Break time!" He concluded, standing up from the rusty, metal foldable chair and stretching out him arms and legs in an attempt to relieve the mounting stress of sleepless nights, overtime, hunger, and other health issues he'd developed since being in the gang.

He reached into a pocket and pulled out a single cigarette and a cheap plastic red lighter and began trying to light the smoke. Once in his mouth, the red embers lit up as Matt inhaled a large amount of air through the filter and proceeding to exhale...only to start choking on the smoke.

Hacking uncontrollably, Matt began to feel tears building up in his goggles as he continuously beat on his chest whose lungs were irritated and burning from the lack of oxygen.

After repeatedly pounding his chest, his ribs felt as if someone sat on him. _'Just great, can't even smoke a damn cigarette without about killing myself! And, no one even bothers to help a guy! What total jerks...'_

After epically failing to try and calm himself, Matt eventually gave up and went back to his little corner seat where his office was located. Inside, he plopped back down onto the chair while it wrenched and squealed in protest to the sudden amount of pressure on its rusty self.

Matt advanced by minimizing all the Google searches and internet sites before clicking to a random arcade game and watching as the screen loaded. He watched with eyes half lidded and a bored expression scrawled across his face as he grimaced at the fact that the whole building might burn down if he didn't go retrieve the smoke which had flew from his mouth after his little...'fit.'

Once again standing, he left the loading computer game to seek out the cigarette and save his ass from being killed if the boss man found out he had started the arson charge.

When he did find the stupid damn thing it had already fizzled out to the filter part and was lying in a pile of its own ashes under a coffee table. Feeling suddenly depressed and lacking enthusiasm, he dragged himself back into his cage of a work place to find some relief in the form of old school Frogger.

_'Ughh, it still ain't done loading?...These ads are bullshit, no such thing as a free date and shot at love...' _Matt discussed to himself while continuing to watch the oh-so-familiar advertisement for_ 'Forever Live Dating Services' _that Matt had unmistakably taken an interest in...regrettably.

As he watched and listened two couples bickering over how they should've switched and tried the site years before, he began becoming more and more engrossed with the thought of having a female companion. To actually speak with someone that's a human, get out of this mildew-stricken building, even go and eat at restaurants instead of surviving off of canned spaghetti and flat cokes was almost adrenaline pumping.

Hell, having pack rats, literally, as roommates was, er, disturbing! Not to mention having to bunch with them since January is a waffle flippin' freaking cold month! So, all in all, having_ someone _to sleep with on the tiny twin mattress was a pleasurable thought enough.

_'Damn…there is no such thing as a free chance at love…?' _Matt questioned to himself, almost anticipating a reply. It was pretty sad…relying on video games and the army of rats for conversing with.

I mean, sure, he could go and chit chat with a muscled mafia member who rides a motorcycle and has numerous tattoos of snakes and other things all over their body but face it, Matt just isn't that type.

Yeah, Matt is the total outcast geeky gamer of the whole mafia who really could give a shit less about if their plans succeed or not. He wasn't like Mello who acts and _is _badass, he just plays along and tries to fit in.

So, that shifted Matt's mind once over…he seriously needed a hook up. He began watching the online advertisement more closely, waiting for it show a link or something to the site itself.

Almost as if on a whim, the screen switched to the contact info and Matt hurriedly pressed the link to and began viewing the bios of the numerous success stories of previous members.

_'Maybe…this isn't a catch...' _Matt thought on as he read through numerous blogs of current users and looking through the avatars to try and decipher who and what they look like through their style.

What he didn't recognize was the 'MafiaRosary' and 'MissingPuzzlePiece' weren't at all what he was looking for…or was he?

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Okay dokey! How was it? Sucky I guess…but, I tried! You have to give me some credit here! Having a computer is a pain in the ass, sometimes! Also, I was having some, er, techie probs with the site…hee-hee, ^^. Anyways, you know the drill! Review, comment, subscribe, fave, whatevs! And! Keep Reading! Yayyyzzzz!


	4. Matty's Chatroom Problems

Call The 1-800 Number, Man!

Wellp, hello all my loyal readers! This is Goody Goody Two Shoe's FOURTH chapter of 'Call the 1-800 Number, Man! PLUS!!! Go to my profile and do the poll! It will help make updates quicker!!! So, I disclaim owning Death Note but, this plotline is mine! So, Yayyyyzzzzzz! To originality! Now, read!

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Chapter Four: Matty's Chatroom Problems

Normal Point of View

It started out just fine…the website that is. In Matt's views, the only real reason to even get into a relationship was to distract himself from how screwed his life has already been, still is, and what's surely to come.

That's why, in theory, this site, , was supposed to grant that small desire. But, of course that means getting social and kinda personal with people. Who knew someone could be so self conscious without ever feeling that way in person? Maybe it was the fact that a potential stalker could be your 'best friend' and then, Bam!

'Everything has a downside eventually…' Matt concluded as he signed into his username which was currently _'TheGuyoverThere' _a fairly, and obviously, uncreative name that maybe took him a minute or so in the making.

Anyways, it seemed to be working out well enough because some people have already taken interest in him, describing him as mysterious, ordinary, and possibly everything in between.

His last two chats happened to be with a very interesting character, one of the very first to add him. They went like this as Matt reread through all the details of their very first 'introduction conversation'…

_Previous Chat room:_

_MafiaRosary: I take it you're new too so, why don't we talk about ourselves a bit, that is, if you want to, I guess…I'll start off sooo, I'm a blonde, I know magical me!, uhh, I've got a scar…don't comment, and…I love sweets, but, I'm all out so, depression sets in._

_Well, what do you have to say? Anything about yourself?_

_TheGuyoverThere: Sure, why not! I live in a hellhole, literally, I'm single, of course, noting the username, I'm obsessed with video games and technology soo, yeah, I'm a cool gamer! ^^, I'm a red-head, and…that's about it! So, don't leave me hanging! Answer back!_

_Mafia Rosary: Yeah, I guess that's cool but, I think instead of 'gamer' you meant 'geek' because you are seriously a bit…never mind. What do you think of the site? Interested in anyone? In my opinion, it sucks but, I've been missing out on…a lot. As for my progress, zip. I've got nothin' so far. How about you?_

_TheGuyoverThere: Hey! I'm no geek! For your information, which is on a need-to-know basis, is Nadda! So what if I haven't found someone?! Why do you care anyways?!_

_MafiaRosary: O…kay. I guess I'm sorry for pissing you off but, this is a dating site, like, you come onto this thing to find out about people! _

_TheGuyoverThere: Whatevs…I'm bored. I want a sucker, cherry preferably. _

_MafiaRosary: I wanna have some chocolate! I'm depressed and emotionally unsound…plus, boredom induced! Damn this stupid old computer! This thing must weigh like…20 pounds! Just the screen!_

_TheGuyoverThere: It sounds like you need and update in software but, it's not like I care about what happens to your shitty computer or you anyways…_

_MafiaRosary:…_

_MafiaRosary:…I'll just sign off now and go cry in a corner, thank you very much._

_MafiaRosary has Signed Off-_

_End Of Chat room Review_

'Oh well, so much for first impressions.' Thought Matt asked he finished rereading over it, 'when did I get so damn mean?'

But, while he was discussing how just wanted to act tough for a chick, a vibration went off on the mouse…a new message.

_MissingPuzzlePiece: Ummm…hello?_

'Well, that was unexpected…' Matt asked himself, trying to guess who the 'Missing Puzzle Piece' person could be.

'Might as well chit chat.' As Matt readied himself for another online conversation he cracked his fingers over his head before laying them on the homerow keys and typing back.

_TheGuyoverThere: Heyzzz, wat up? :) _

_MissingPuzzlePiece: I take it you're some rapper with terrible music and horrid social life?_

_TheGuyoverThere: Uh, noezzz! As the last chick called me, I'm evidently a GEEK! Unbelievable, seriously! -.-"_

_MissingPuzzlePiece: Sooo, you're together with someone already?_

_TheGuyoverThere: Nope! They said they were gonna go cry in a corner sooooo, yeah, I blew it. ._

_MissingPuzzlePiece: Well, there is always a chance at redemption and forgiveness…_

_TheGuyoverThere: Are you a missionary or something? Preaching on a dating site?! Man, talk about sins…_

_MissingPuzzlePiece: I believe I was just presenting facts and options to maybe recreate the tranquility between the two of you._

_TheGuyoverThere: So, now you're a shrink? Geez, talk about the many careers…I'm hungry! I can't even get decent food to consume! I live a bunch of damn r-!_

_MissingPuzzlePiece: I must go now, therefore I won't be able to converse with you anymore until most likely a week from now, good day._

_TheGuyoverThere:…So, he's a travel agent now? Damn it…I screwed up again..._

_TheGuyoverThere:…Hi, Bob._

_TheGuyoverThere:…Hey there Matty!!!_

_TheGuyoverThere: I really need a better job…and to quit talking to myself…_

_TheGuyoverThere has signed off._

"Well, that was very uninteresting…time to hit the metal springs and hopefully have all my hair in the morning because if them rats chew my beautiful locks, I'm gonna have to eat them!!!" Matt voiced out loud, to himself.

Once he did get onto the mattress, he felt the rodents snuggle with him. Yeah, snuggle! It wasn't the first time so, Matt just got used to the constant teeth chittering, naked tails, and mutant squeaks coming from his bedmates.

But before he could fall asleep, he couldn't help but wonder who was the mysterious _'MissingPuzzlePiece'_ and _'MafiaRosary'._ Although he assumed that the second was some Shakespeare and classical music obsessed freak and the other an emo 'slit my arms' chick that was PMSing.

How wrong you are Matt, how very wrong you are…

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Sooo, how's it going??? It yayyyzzzzz-tastic over here except for the whole school part! Anyways, please review…I dearly need the advice and or beautiful compliments! Just no flames…I think I'm doing WAFFLE FLIPPIN fine, thankyouverymuch! Yeahzzzz, I should be writing an essay right now but I'm NOT! Sigh, guess I better get a typing! Until you review, PEAS OUT OF DA POD!!!


	5. Mello The Dramatic Fairy Princess

Call The 1-800 Number, Man!

Goody: Grr…all of you must hate me now! I forgot *sniff sniff* to update!! Wah, I can't believe I gotz seven reviews before I noticed! Aww…thankies! You guys tell 'em!

Mello: Ame-chan! Yes, it is just oh-so hilarious how we don't know about- what?

Goody: Nothin' Mello, nothing at all…

Matt: Janao q, and I quote, "LOL! So funny! I love it~" Goodies for you!

Near: Ummm, Methegirl? Uh, thank you for the 'great job.' Can I go now?

Goody: No, silly!

L: Aries07, yes it is very unprofessional for my succesors to be on an-online dating service? Er-without knowing the people they're in contact with.

Near, Matt, Mello: Say what?!

Goody: *sigh* you guys will find out soon enough…soon enough.

Light: 'just here', I follow you in your opinion that the other three aren't so…bright after all.

Goody: Don't make fun of my specialzz Mello, Matty, Far-I mean Near…

Light: Whatevs.

Mello: Again?! Oh well, Mezzanotte Nera, thanks for the compliment on originality!

Goody: And? *taps foot*

Mello: Hellz Noess! There will be NO Chocolate giveaways!

Goody: Cheap ass…

Matt: Stop it you two…and, lastly, the oh-so loyal reviewer MelonBread of Doom! We congratulate you on spending your time in refinding the story! Goodies for you!

Goody: Yayyzzzz! To all and Light! Shall do the Disclaimer!

Light: *mumbles* Where the bloody hell did I put my Death Note? *mumbles*

L: Your what? Do tell Light…

Light: Goody does NOT own Death Note! If she did, I would be renamed Dark Imagay, regrettably, and go around wearing spandex with a bowl shaped haircut?!

Goody: And ballerina shoes!

L: *grins with finger to lip*

Mello, Matt, Near: On with the show!

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Chapter Five: Mello the Dramatic Fairy Princess!

Normal Point of View

'Okay, I'm currently sobbing uncontrollably with about a dozen other men in the same room as me…how awkward.'

As Mello layed there, in a sexy puddle of leather and tears, he looked up at his new 'friends' with puffy eyes, and a killer puppy frown as if he'd been kicked too many times. Though, he might as well been kicked in the balls considering all the mafia guys stark comments about his gender.

'I think I'm kinda acting like some damsel in distress because, as of right now, I am officially in a hellish hunger-induced depression.' Mello thought while listening in on one of the guy's whispers.

"Dude, I actually thought Mello was some flat-chested lady at first and was gonna screw him!"

With that disturbing thought in his mind, he doubled over and began squeezing his rosary, praying for mercy.

'Why?! What did I do to deserve this?! I mean come on! Chocolate, my dear love, I need you!! I totally am a mess…crying in front of mafia guys while psychotically pointing my pistol to their heads…hee hee…'

"I should get on the dating site now…time to boot up the piece of shit! Yay!" Mello shouted dramatically while clicking the power switch and smiling to himself.

Mello was not only bipolar without his chocolate but very clingy at times with a wild imagination…in which very very bad things could occur.

Once he was onto the site, he signed in and wrote the first thing that came to mind.

MafiaRosary: I'm a fairy princess!! Weelll, whaddya wishin' for bitches?

TheGuyoverThere: Well, how are you, sunshine? ^^

Yes, Mello squealed in delight once someone immediately responded to him. Along with this action came several curious/concerned/unnerved looks from the other members occupying the room.

MafiaRosary: Yay! I'm just fine and dandy, thankies!

TheGuyoverThere: Hmm, I see, feelin' better?

MafiaRosary: Of course, love!

TheGuyoverThere: Goodies for you! Sorry 'bout the other day…I was being a little pissy, eh?

MafiaRosary: Naaah, I forgive you! You see, some friends gave me some Pez candy and…viola!

Truth be told, Snyder did decide to treat Mello to some "pretty Pez candies" which was really a mix between some birth control, aspirin, and…stomach digestion pills? Oh lord…is that what happens when you dig up some random pharmacy bottles and feed them as candy to your fellow mafia member?!!

TheGuyoverThere: Baby, I hate to tell ya this but, I think your pals drugged ya! Poor soul…

MafiaRosary: Noesss! I'm melting! I'm melting!!

TheGuyoverThere: 'Tis all right, baby!

As the conversation, even at it's awkward climax, Snyder and some other buff tattooed dudes couldn't help but look over Mello's shoulder as he sat criss cross applesauce on a filthy old welcome mat in a corner of the warehouse.

But, as the session started to wind down, everyone, excluding Mello, was wondering what the hell went on in the kid's mind.

Even Matty who was about four states over was trying to draw ideas for him calling the other user 'sunshine', and worse, 'baby.' In the end, he let it slide as 'a break in the moment' and left it at that.

Though, somehow, Matt was irked by the fact of someone drugging said 'MafiaRosary' and felt in all words, pissed off. But, what can a guy do? Other than the fact that he could try and hack into the ancient computer and find some files…what a great idea!

'…search for some files after hacking into the computer sounds good…' Matt concluded silently while making an ending conversation with his friend.

TheGuyoverThere: Talk to ya tomorrow?

MafiaRosary: Lovin' it! Wouldn't want it any other way, hun!

TheGuyoverThere: Did you just call me hun?

MafiaRosary: Yes-ums!

TheGuyoverThere: 'kay…Bye?

MafiaRosary: Miss ya already Baby!!

And, there it was. The awkward silence as Mello hummed merrily to himself, closing off the computer and standing up from his position on the ground.

Once on his feet, Mello decided to stretch his legs by…skipping around all of his mafia buddies, still humming a catchy cereal toon.

"Uhh, Mello, you okay there, bud?" One certain beefy dude asked while rubbing the back of his neck nervously. After all the time he spent knowing Mello as he was being recruited into the gang, he never once saw the blonde act this…abnormal before.

Sure there were the times he threatened to blow their heads off, and the times he snored loudly, and most definitely the one occurrence when he beat up 'Bob' for spilling milk all over him in their makeshift kitchen.

Overly though, Mello wasn't mellow whatsoever 'big beefy guy' concluded. The all-knowing blunt as always Mello he knew before wasn't this-this imposter!

If only the dumbasses could put two and two together…maybe they would notice Mello's soul mate chocolate was the variable missing in this equation.

Not only did the lack of chocolate make Mello temperamental, emotional, psychopathic, but also…hysterical. The eruption of giggles from Mello's bedroom drew out a fine line there.

No matter how much Mello didn't realize, as he fell into a 'Pez candy'-induced and desperate slumber, some certain person was busying himself to hack into a computer for his 'unlikely' good wellbeing.

* * *

Sooo, gonna throw tomatos at me for being a lousy author and an epic failure at remembering to update stories?!! Huh?! I try damn it! I really dooo! This took me approximately an hour and a half but guess what?! I love Pez candy! Too bad the damn dispenser pinched me and pissed me off!! Reviews help me remember updates 'cause, I don't know. They just DO!


	6. Sawwy Guys!

**Sawwy Guys!**

I've noticed for a while now that I haven't really updated my stories (Don't Judge Mehh!) and I know that's like a hellova big understatement at this point…BUT! I'm not ready to completely call them hiatus! SOOOOO. I need someone to tell me I should continue! (I prolly will continue just cuz I hate leaving things uncompleted sooooo, reviews just make it all better! :)

Chuu guys have been some of my best reviewers for all my stories since these are really some actual story-stories I have (not oneshots in short terms) sooooo, I would really hate to leave the impression of a sucky authoress in your impressions of meeeehh sooooo, I hope you review (Yes, it will be considered a capital offense if you don't!) and maybe give me a suggestion if you think one's needed!

Kk?

Remember I luffles all you peeps! Alrighty then…I WILL post new chappies as soon as I can! Also expect new stories! I AM taking requests for oneshots, stories, anything you guys want! Any pairings too if any!

Okiez dokiez I guess that's all I've gotta say sooooooo, chow peeps!

~Goody

AKA the unmotivated but yet now convinced of her laziness person who is gonna try her best to reignite her loving flame of each story to bring it back to life!

:)


	7. Queen Bees, Bitches

Call The 1800 Number, Man!

Heya guys! I know you've probably already forgotten this fic existed and if you do remember then you have awesome memory! :) I would love to list ever awesome reviewer I've had for my fifth and sixth chapter (the sixth just being an announcement but still!) Soooo, here they are!

1) -x-X-'Amethystte'-X-x (Luv chu bestie! U reviewed FOUR fackin' times so CHU get to babysit Sapphira! XD)

2) L-Lawliet26 (Geez, I'm sorry! I was sooo braindead I couldn't come up with a NearxMatt convo! Hopefully this chappie will compromise your anger!)

3) Aries07 (Lol wow…chu being at the same amount of delusion as Mello in chapter 5 would be insane! There's a lesson kids! Don't ever drink too much coffee :)

4) X sematic-Shrooms (I luvv shrooooooms haha! FEAR THE PEZ CANDY ISH RIGHT! XD)

5) raineynight (caffeine and Tylenol don't mix hon…hahaha, ish not hysterical it's random and blah! My humor is a depressingly low! T.T)

6) Black Alice Butterfly (Hope you're not too mad about me not REALLY REALLY REALLY updating that quick! I sawwy!)

7) Tenseiga15 RaeRobForeva (Yep. Mello without chocolate and Pez substitution is funny! ^^)

8) Toongeek14 (Let me tell chu, what Matt finds isn't very helpful hahaha!)

9) yvonna (I guess it could be considered good enteratainment…yet I always down play myself and my work so *shrugs* hope chu likey!)

10) moon 72 (Please don't die if I don't continue to update…I'll be charged with murder *eye twitch* I luffles chu too! :)

11) Malignitas (Haha, I updated! Aren't chu so proud of mehh! XD I'm really glad you love the story!)

Well that really long list of loyal reviewers makes me want to throw up sparkles and glitter then prance around in my own shiny vomit but, being a human and that being impossible regardless…I guess I will settle for prancing around screaming that I luffles chu, kk? ^^

Anyways, I don't really have much else to say except that I hope you enjoy this extra long (my longest chapter) chappie and tad a! Feast upon the plot bunny carrots of doom!

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note TTT_TTT

* * *

Chapter 7: Queen Bees, Bitches

Normal Point of View

With Matt:

Matt banged his head against the bad of the old chair in a very annoyed, aggravated manner. Not only had he stayed up all night trying to hack into the old computer of the 'MafiaRosary' but he also found that the computer was bullshit.

'_All those files were of an old meat processing and packaging plant…'_ The redhead thought to himself before concluding that the blonde he had been chatting with must've picked up the computer from the garbage basically.

What Matt didn't know was that if he had just followed the address of the meat procession files he would've came to what was now known as one of the mafia's hideouts thus leading him to an also unknowing Mello.

'_Why do I even care about a strange emo chick anyways…? Geez, I'm wasting my time_ _when I have a deadline to meet for all this other shit the boss throws on me._' He questioned to himself before just shaking his head and trying to forget about all the hopeless hours he'd just spent on a lost cause.

Just as Matt was about to get up, he heard a _Ping!_ Which signaled that he just was sent a message from the dating service, what a surprise!

The twenty four year old _male _dragged the mouse over to have the cursor open the small envelope icon on the bottom right hand side before anticipating who they were.

_MissingPuzzlePiece: _hi :)

Oh hell, Near had actually looked up a site to study how to talk on a site like so and use emoticons. Well, isn't this going to be interesting!

Matt had been just as confused with the not capitalized lettering and the added smiley because his eyebrows creased as he tried to remember last time how the person acted.

'_Last time I talked to this girl she was all up on the forgiveness trail and shit…what the hell happened there? Probably just how she thought her first impression should be.' _Matt answered himself before briefly thinking of how to reply.

_TheGuyoverThere_: What up with you and your new chatting technique lol?

_MissingPuzzlePiece:_ Oh so you have noticed, hm?

_TheGuyoverThere_: Uh, duh…I just mentioned it didn't I?

_MissingPuzzlePiece:_ Of course, so you're the observant type?

_TheGuyoverThere:_ I guess but it was kinda obvious.

_MissingPuzzlePiece:_ Okay…what do you want to talk about?

_TheGuyoverThere:_ Idk…explain your username to me :)

_MissingPuzzlePiece:_ It's just pointing out that I'm missing a puzzle piece to my jigsaw puzzle.

_TheGuyoverThere:_ No symbolic meaning directing itself to you being the missing piece to someone's life? :-P

_MissingPuzzlePiece:_ That's interesting and ironic I suppose since I unknowingly did in cooperate that into my name.

_TheGuyoverThere:_ Yeah…mine's really simple haha.

_MissingPuzzlePiece:_ Ah, yes. I'm sorry but I must go. It was really pleasant getting to talk to you again.

_TheGuyoverThere:_ Sure…

_MissingPuzzlePiece_ has signed off the chat.

_TheGuyoverThere_ has signed off the chat.

Matt flicked an old cigarette butt off the desk and reached for his flat sprite as he mused over his last conversation.

"It's interesting I guess…" The striped shirt wearing adult said to himself just as something came to mind.

'_You know, Near was always into puzzles…them two would make a great couple!'_ He laughed at his remembrance of the albino teen.

He did owe Near for stopping those Japanese police from killing him on the spot those years ago where he had enough time to get to Mello.

All of the Kira investigation was confusing to him with all the supernatural bits and pieces…like how Near was able to stop Takada from killing Mello by writing her death a minute before and thus killing her first and cancelling Mello's death.

He sighed deeply, the whole investigation since L died had been a big up and down in Mello's and his friendship but he knows that Mello was good at heart considering that Mello had always been his true friend.

The whole mafia business is an extra strain with Mello still trying to outshine Near even though he is already been declared the new L.

With Near:

The white haired twenty two year old sat on the ground with one leg pulled up to his chest and a hand twirling a lock of hair.

'_Why can't I let go and make myself more vulnerable? I'm sure these people have no idea of my identity yet isn't a dating site's purpose to express yourself and to come in_ contact _with others?'_ Near pondered to himself about his evident lack of trust towards people.

He continued to scroll thoughtfully through the numerous lists of names that went through all of the site's members.

As he read over each person's username, he began to think back to his previous chat with the gamer.

'_She must be pointing out with her username that she's aware of the men around her and she can find interest in one…most men wouldn't put such a puzzling penname since they'd revolt to using sports, hobbies, or cars as a name.'_ Near thought to himself, finally settling on his answer that the person he had just talked to was a female.

Why were all of the guys over-thinking each other so much and confusing their gender? Wouldn't just asking be the simplest of solutions? Well, when it comes to the Wammy boys then I guess they tend to over-analyze even the simplest of clues.

Near shifted positions slightly, reaching for his Mello puppet in which he placed his index finger.

A shadow of a smile worked its way onto his face as he began to think of how Mello reacted the day ne saved Mello's life. After all, he never had expected the blonde to forgive him but he assumed that he had to be somewhat grateful.

Then there was yet another _Ping! _However, this time it came from Near's very sleek white laptop. He clicked the link curiously before seeing a message that read, _"You have_ _been selected as a perfect match for 'MafiaRosary' based on your attributes in Intellect, Goals, and Childhood."_

The pajama wearing Near then clicked on '_MafiaRosary' _to start a private chat room with each other. Almost immediately after sending the invitation, she (he) accepted.

_MissingPuzzlePiece:_ Hey.

_MafiaRosary:_ Hi?

_MissingPuzzlePiece:_ Um, did you receive a notice saying we were perfect matches based on our interests?

Near asked, not wanting to sound too interested or too direct to appear stalkerish towards the girl.

After all, he might have only spoken to Linda growing up at Wammy's only because of her obsession but he knew well enough that sometimes if you hurry into a conversation about something personal then it was bound to be unprogressive.

Maybe that was why his bluntness might be his social downfall all these years…

_MafiaRosary_: Yup.

_MissingPuzzlePiece:_ …are you in the least bit interested in knowing more about me then?

_MafiaRosary:_ Haha sure! This sounds like fun!

_MissingPuzzlePiece:_ Ok, both of my parents are dead…

After a moment, Near almost face-palmed himself. Yes, Near. Face-palming because the first thing that came to mind at the time was saying so uncontrolled such as his parents' deaths.

'_Well at least the whole arrangement for in-laws is unnecessary…'_ Near thought solemnly to himself.

_MafiaRosary:_ Mine are too, what an awful surprise! T.T

_MissingPuzzlePiece_: Are you ok? You said awful surprise which can be mistaken…

_MafiaRosary_: Oh hell yeah! I'm the queen bee, bitches!

The albino sighed while switching his weight to his other knee before continuing on with the conversation. He couldn't withdrawal so quickly if he wants to proceed and find a relationship.

_MissingPuzzlePiece_: Uhh, that doesn't give me any evidence that you're sane…

_MafiaRosary:_ Of course I'm sane! I raided to kitchen cabinets and found BROWNIE MIX! How awesome is that!

_MissingPuzzlePiece:_ I suppose that could be considered awesome…

'_I just used the awful term awesome in agreement to brownies…what's wrong with_ _me?'_ He asked dumbly to himself, baffled by his own words.

_MafiaRosary:_ Yep, some of my friends whipped up a batch and they added these huge sprinkles with little numbers and stuff carved into the sides! They tasted remotely like mints sorta! XD

_MissingPuzzlePiece:_ Umm, did they perhaps resemble prescription pills?

Near rolled his eyes at the laptop screen. Yet another druggie but seriously, who openly admits they just popped pills like candy and used them as sprinkles for brownies!

_MafiaRosary_: D-did they drug me again? O.O

_MissingPuzzlePiece:_ Again?

_MafiaRosary:_ Well…yesterday they gave me Pez candy and then someone told me they were drugs sooo….T.T

_MissingPuzzlePiece:_ Don't think you should go to the police? I mean…drug abuse is a crime and if someone is doing this to you then they need to be stopped.

'_Hmm…maybe she's a prostitute who is drunk all the time and ends up in bad situations…yet why would she be on a dating site?' _The young detective once again asked himself.

Why were people so confusing even though they are strangers?

_MafiaRosary:_ Oh well, the chocolate and Pez tasted really really really damn good so I'll let it slip haha ^^.

_MissingPuzzlePiece:_ Umm, this isn't awkward whatsoever. :)

_MafiaRosary:_ Lol, yeah. Would you believe me if I said I had bitch bees to do anything I want? Cuz I AM the queen!

_MissingPuzzlePiece:_ I assume you're high so I deduce that I have no other choice but to play along with you as long as you appear to be delusional.

_MafiaRosary:_ Ahhh, so we're having a pity party for me? Woot! Don't forget the chocolate fountain! XDXDXD

_MissingPuzzlePiece:_ You're very disturbing…

_MafiaRosary:_ Say whaaa-! You're an insane cupcake lol!

_MissingPuzzlePiece:_ Before this gets anymore unbearably random and uncalled for I think I will take my leave…

_MafiaRosary:_ Kk, catch ya later! Luffles ya! :)

_MissingPuzzlePiece_ has signed off the chat.

_MafiaRosary_ has signed off the chat.

Near silently skimmed over each of both of their entries and he sighed. Twenty three minutes of talking was his limit evidently.

He couldn't help but admit that the weird girl did fascinate him to no end. I mean, they didn't appear to be soul mates judging by their absolutely different characteristics and how they speak…

He closed his laptop after signing off and stood before slowly moving across the room to his extremely large scale model of the Wammy's House he was making out of numerous, extensive amounts of dice all at his disposal.

As he once again sat to resume where he had stopped, his thoughts remained on the two people that he had chatted with today and how both of them could easily be anyone anywhere in the world.

* * *

Sooooo, I updated, neh? Haha, in this chapter you've found out that Mello and Matt had both survived the Kira investigation. It's called fanfiction people and just because I cried when they died doesn't mean I have to re-shed those tears if I'm so cruel as to leave Near without a relationship!

I'm really sorry for my bad humor, the plot bunnies are still recovering from the heat stroke, starvation, dehydration, scurvy, and whatever else kinds of diseases and horrid health conditions that live inside my brain. Maybe add rabies, color blindness, I don't know! The poor plot bunnies were highly abused and neglected in their cages! Don't blame me! :)

Anyways! I enjoy reviews please! Along with subscribers and those who fave me and my stories! It shows me that you guys luffles meee!

Until I update again,

~Goody X3

AKA: The most sadly confused plot bunny-murderer and horrible updater eva! There, I admit it! :(


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